Graduating

Hmmm... This has the potential to be a strange post. I guess we'll find out.

So, I went to senior breakfast yesterday at church. A lot of the seniors that go to the First Christian Church were there eating together with their families and listening to Tom Walters speak and hearing the typical "graduation, moving on with your life, make the right choices..." jargon. It would have been all good, except I've already had to face all of those things with graduating early and what not.

I guess I should have expected it to be this way, but I feel really disconnected from my class. At the breakfast, someone asked me about how my classes went, how my grades were, and just about college in general. Then someone chimed in something like this : Yeah, except he ditched us.

Now, I didn't think that was a fair statement, but you decide for yourself.
1. I didn't ditch anyone.
2. I decided to move on with my life because I couldn't really relate with anything in Med. Lodge.
3. I'm pretty sure they survived without me.
4. How many times did they come and visit me at school like they said they would? Oh, right. ZERO.
5. How many times did I come back to visit them? Over 20 times.
6. How often did they call me just to see what was up? Oh, right. ZERO.

I think that if they want to complain some more, they should probably have some legit reasons to do so.

Anywho, after that semi-steamy vent session. I'm ready for graduation. Everyone is ticked because Joyce isn't speaking and that Mrs. Dohrmann is. Personally, I think D does a great job. It might be long, but its personal and she mentions everyone in her speeches. I know you won't read this, but go out there and rock it Mrs. D.

I would also like to add that I'm pretty excited for free stuff.

That is all.

Teetering

I feel like I can't do anything right lately. I feel like I'm letting people down. Disappointed people left and right. It seems like I can't win. And I can't figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

When I came to college, I almost expected that I would be the same person when I left for the summer, but its definitely the contrary. I've made so many changes, ones that I feel like are good for me, yet some people tell me that I've changed too much.

What did they expect?
What was I supposed to do, be a sitting duck?
Who was I supposed to liken myself to?
Who was I supposed to stray from?
Where was I supposed to end up?
Where did I start?

Where should I have gone?
Should I have gone at all?

Why did I have to leave early?
Couldn't I just be content with the normal?

Why do they assume that I think that I'm better than them?

Didn't they realize I wasn't happy until now?

Why can't they see things the way I view them?
What can I do now?
Don't they know that its way too late to change things now?
Don't they see that they should have spoken up before my mind was made up?
Why didn't they try to make me stay before I told them I was leaving?

Which way do they wish I would have went?

Why didn't they do the same thing that I did if they really wished that they could do it themselves?

Why did they talk about me behind me back?
Who was I supposed to turn to?

They expected me to stay. They expected me to be content. I was supposed to liken myself to them. I was supposed to stray from people like me. I was supposed to end up in the same place that I began, and thats in Medicine Lodge, the boredom capitol of the world. I shouldn't have gone anywhere at all. I should have stay.

I had to leave early. They just didn't understand what was going on in my heart. I couldn't be content because there were very few people keeping me holding on.

They assume that I think I'm better than them because I chose to move quicker than they did. They assume that I think I'm better than them because I tried. Really, really hard.
They didn't realize that ML couldn't make me happy.

They can't see the things that I see because they aren't me. They didn't say anything to me before I decided to leave, but decided to be angry with me when I did decide.

I don't even know why they talked about me behind my back. I can't remember causing they any harm. I didn't have many people to turn to.

I feel like I'm teetering on top of a mountain getting ready for a giant fall... I guess its only a matter of time.