I Complain... a lot.

Ugh. I hate that I complain so much. <---- See that? Honestly the first thing that I wrote, and its a complaint. So many questions can be turned into complaints. A lot that I have said today are, "Why do I have to do this?" "Why is this taking so long" and "Who really is gonna want to do this." I hate the sinner that I am, but the more that I try to focus on reversing the sin that's creeping into my life, the more I become aware of it. And the more aware that I am, I feel like I do it more. Why is that? And people think being a Christian is easy...

Complaining serves no purpose. It doesn't build myself or my brothers and sisters up and it definitely just brings negativity into life. But sometimes I feel like we're wired to complain. Its in our bones. We can't help but to voice our opinions about the worst part of the situation we're in. Oh how I wish I could reverse that. I wish I was the person that could find the "silver lining" in every situation.

When we're happy, we complain about the world being sad.
When we're in love, we complain about not being free.
When we're free, we complain about being bored.
When we're alive, we complain about just how much our life sucks.

It isn't right, but its so hard to change.

Cord of 3 Strands

So, a mere couple months ago I decided to make it a personal goal to complete a half marathon before Christmas. I missed my first opportunity in late September and thought I wouldn't get another one. However, my good friend Ellen told me that there was another 1/2 marathon in October, and I immediately started training.

4 weeks later my knees and ankles ached, my toes had started to crack away from the soles of my feet, and since I had been running in the cold lately, I had a runny nose and a cough. Cool.

The next week I spent resting and mentally preparing myself to run a whopping 13.1 miles... the most I've ever done. I was super nervous, but definitely excited at the same time. The morning came, I "miraculously" (and by miraculously, I believe by the prayers sent to my Amazing God from all of my incredible friends) I woke up feeling the best I'd felt in a week with a clear mind and clear nose!!

The next thing I knew, race was off. Miles 1-5 breezed by, and then 6 and 7 came. Let's just say that I didn't train on hills, and those were some KILLER hills. By the time that the 9-10 mile came around, all of my support group had to drop off because we were running through the Air Force Base and it was limited to strictly runners. The last three miles were the hardest of my life. I had never wanted to quit so badly in my entire life. My legs were pounding, there was a sharp pain in my heels, and, well, there was some undesireable runners chaffing (so is the life of a runner.) I nearly quit running at 12 miles, but thankfully my friends Tatyana and Lindsey were there beside me, almost literally pulling me along with them. When I saw the finish line, my heart jumped. Lindsey and Tatyana linked arms with me and we finished... together... without stopping... the entire race.

That's when I remembered... my life is rough. My feet hurt and I wanna give up all the time, but God has blessed me with an incredible support group to help me battle my way through this world. They pray for me, run the race with me, cheer on the side of the road, and link their arms with me to pull me along when I don't have any strength left. Friends: I am so incredibly thankful for you. Thank you for making the past few months at my new home an incredible experience. I love you all dearly and can't imagine running my race without you.

As one of my race buddies, Lindsey Alexander, commented on this photo:

Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New International Version)
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Memory Lane

I love pictures. I love taking them, I love editing them, and I actually like having my picture taken, too. That may be who I have over 40 albums on facebook, almost 2,000 pictures of me on there too, and took over 700 pictures while I was in Europe this summer.

I think I like pictures so much because it captures the very emotion that the person being photographed is feeling. I have this knack for tagging fake smiles, so I can always tell when someone really isn't in a good mood during a picture, haha. And I also love it that every time someone wants to take my picture, I normally make this crazy face that somehow (in my mind) portrays whats going on with me.

Pictures capture memories too, so for this blog, I'm compiling some of my favorite pictures that I've taken, or taken of me, in the past few years! Get jazzed.

I did this for a project for my Roman's class.

It reflected a few verses in Romans 12:9-13. This one represents "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."

This is my friend Kenny and I somewhere in Switzerland. I love this hat and everyone always tells me how goofy it is when I wear it, but that doesn't change the fact that I love it. On my Europe trip, one of the things that I enjoyed the most wasn't just the scenerey and all of the amazing things I got to see, but that in the group that I went with, I wasn't afraid to be myself... hence the strange face, haha.

Ahh! This picture makes me so happy. I remember going out on the dance floor for the Homecoming King and Queen dance and hearing "what hurts the most," come on... with a catch. It was the techno version! So, the unlikely couple, Seth and Sadie, with the crazy pink hair, danced one of the best royalty dances known to man!

This picture captures one of the best nights of my life. I spent a weekend with Justin at his graduation. This picture is one of the few from that night that the world is able to see, haha. I love this guy.

Misty and I. Enough said. We're loco.

I love Natalie May with every fiber of my body. She is literally the most hilarious person that I know. Any day that I'm down, she's there with some random, outrageous, and sometimes inapproprate comment to immediately turn my day around. I love you, friend.

I want my children to be EXACTLY like this kid.

This is one of the most ULTIMATE suprise-face pictures you will ever see. We sprung the creepy/amazing head massager on Leeanne when she wasn't expecting it. Score.

Open Heart Surgery

I swore never to be the guy that lets his guard down. I told myself that I wouldn't search for a girl, that I would let God bring her to me. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall head over heels for a girl at such a young age, because its outrageous to be "so in love" when I'm this young with so much life ahead of me. I haven't been upholding these promises to myself at all lately, when I sit back and think about it.

And yes, I know I just wrote a blog not too long ago about hating the fact that everyone is obsessing over who they're meant to be with for the rest of their life. But I think the reason that I wrote that blog, is because I've been acting like one of those people lately.

You see, I've had a crush on this girl for a couple months now. And I've tried not to like her, I really have. But for some reason, I can't seem to not like her. I know that may make absolutely no sense, and no, I'm not in love by any means nor am I creepily obsessing over her.

It like theres this occasional monologue inside my head that goes something like : "I should talk to her soon, but what if I tell her that I like her, and she doesn't respond. I don't want there to be an uncomfort between us. But if I never step out on a limb and say something, how will I know how she feels? Sometimes she acts like she likes me, sometimes she doesn't. Ugh. This is dumb. Just stop liking her. If she doesn't like me, then I feel like I'm wasting my time by pursuing her. I'm so confused."

Sometimes I wish I could take out a part of my heart. More specifically, the part of my heart that longs to be with someone and put it on a shelf, then throw it back in when I need it. If only, if only...

Realizing

I'm realizing several things about life.

1. People change, sometimes for the better, and sadly sometimes for the worst. I recently got the chance to hang out with Dan Flynt, a friend that I met last semester. I'm amazed at how much Dan has changed over the summer, and just how much I can learn from him. Listening to his story over Hookah last night reminded me of the power of God's love and his grace. I'm excited for him.

2. Colleges like to make you run around. Yesterday, all I needed was a simple sheet of paper stating that I attend college at Friends U. So, I went to the registrars office, and stated this simple need. Lady #1 sent me back to Lady #2, who in turn sent me back to Lady #1, only to make her mad and walk me back to Lady #2. For real, Friends U, get a system worked out?

3. You can't judge a book by its cover. One of the guys in my section of Green Hall is a 6' 3", 250 lb football player from Atlanta. I was intimidated by him at first, but after talking to him at the community service project yesterday, I realized that he is an intelligent, funny, and passionate guy and I hope that I get to talk to him some more. I hope that I get to know all of my residents better.

4. Confessing my sin helps me overcome it. A couple weeks ago, a friend and I had an "accountability session," where we told eachother what we were struggling with and wanted change in our lives. God definitely showed me that I was not the only one going through this problem, because this friend had the exact same issue. I knew we were friends for a reason, and God reaffirms that all of the time.

I hope that God keeps stretching me and teaching me things. I kinda like it, haha.

Love-sick

Sickness isn't anything new, and neither is love-sickness. Love sometimes appears to plague someone's life. The search for love can completely consume someone's life. People are absolutely longing to find that one person who can complete their lives and make this life meaningful. Well, honestly, I'm sick of love-sickness.

I think that a pretty common dream of college students goes like this: I'm gonna go off to college, leave all of my past behind and start over. I'm gonna find that perfect girl/guy, and its gonna be love at first sight. We're gonna get married and live a long, happy life together.

Well, I'm sorry to tell you, thats not always how it works.

I can't begin to tell you how frustrated I am that guys are combing through girls trying to find someone that will make them feel special. I recently heard about a guy that I know making a list of about 6 girls, and each time he lost interest with them, he would cross them off and add another girl the "the list."

I'm sick of everyone forgetting about all their other friends to hang out with their fling of the week. Its honestly disgusting. Sorry if I sound like I'm ranting, but I just don't see how you can ponder marrying someone that you've known for less that 4 months. Seems a little outrageous to me. And when you talk about her all of the time, and I mean all of the time, what are you going to fall back on when she isn't in the picture. Ugh...

Oh, and I'm sick of always being "philospohical" and "deep." What happened to hanging out PURELY to have a good time, take some stress off, and get in a couple laughs. More often than not, friends call me to hang out because they're pissed off and need someone to talk to. And, being the nice guy that I am, I always soak in all of their problems, and most of them (not all) even care enough to ask about whats going on in my life. Maybe I'm sick of always hearing drama because I feel like thats all that ever happens. So, next time you're having drama, instead of solely talking to me about it, for a change, lets do something fun to get your mind off of it. I like fun.

Steamy blog. I apologize.

Action Verbs

When I was in Middle School, we learned ALL about verbs. We learned that there are active verbs, passive verbs, helping verbs, ect. Well last night, I was writing a list of all of the verbs that I wanted to keep in mind as I went through this year of school. They include:

Pray - daily, build it into my schedule and don't make excuses.
Rest - take some time for myself. learn how to say no.
Discern - decide what is "of God" and what isn't in my life.
Ask - the hard questions. figure out what I believe in.
Solidify - make myself a firm, and solid leader. judge fairly and unconditionally.
Revamp - do something new and make life more interesting.
Wonder - be curious and try something new with new people.
Create - something helpful for me. Posters, reminders, charts, trackers, whatever. Go big.

So, if any of you avid readers see me not doing any of these things, knock me around a little bit and tell me to get my act together. I might be mad for a minute, but I'll appreciate it in the long run.

You could've had a V8.

So, recently Casey wrote one entitled "The moments I want punch you." This one will be quite similar. Thanks for the inspiration.

I need to express my desire to kick people in the shins sometimes. Its not that I really want to put a steel-toe boot to the front of the leg, I just wanna kinda knock them in the head like they do on the v8 commercials. So, lets imagine that these continuous "You could've had a v8's" are me bonking them on the forehead, trying to wake them up and bring them to their senses.

Dear you-know-who-you-are: I'm sick of this one-sided relationship. I put so much effort into trying to be your friend, and I get nothing back. I realize that living in different places makes communicating and hanging out difficult, but at least try. Im tired of talking to you and getting one-word responses. Its like talking to a brick wall. We used to be best friends. I wonder what happened there. And the funny thing is, we have more in common now than we have ever had. Please, tell me how that works. I want to know about your life and your struggles, but I can't very well see them when you won't let anyone, not even yourself, try to help you through them. I care about you, man. We've been through this before, but this time it feels different... and not in a good way. Dude, You could've had a V8.

Dear friendthatIlovedearly: AHHH! Can I just throw out there how incredible you are? You have so many things about you that make you unique, fun and a great friend, but for some reason your self esteem is so low that you don't even respect yourself or your abilities. I remember you coming back from that conference a couple summers ago. You were so on fire and ready to change things. You had friends that wanted to help you see that change through, but then he came along. And listen, I really do like him. He's a great and funny guy, but look what you did to get him to be with you. I wanna be your friend, and I can tell that you wanna be mine. But when you're not happy, its not that easy. You could've had a V8.

Dear myfavoritepersonever: I love the crap outta you, and I tell you that frequently. You have so much going for you: beauty, athleticisms, brains, a great personality... I just think that you need to go for what you want and not listen to what other people are telling you. You don't HAVE to be with someone. You can find contentment being single, trust me. Wait for the good guys, they'll come. You could've had a V8.

Dear person-whom-I-admire: Just go. Don't hold back. You could've had a V8.

Dear me: quit being so insecure. you're an average guy. quit comparing yourself to other people and their relationship with their friends, parents, families and God. quit trying to make yourself more like them. instead, make yourself more like the real you. i saw the real you come out not too long ago, but i know you like to hide it. you're afraid that they will judge you. go ahead, be silly, make some noise, break the rules if you must. oh, and quit trying to please everyone in the whole entire world. its not possible. you better get your head screwed on right before you head off to lead people later this summer. quit settling for mediocracy, you're better than that and you know it. don't let people push you around or let them press their ideals on you. figure out what you believe and why, but don't be scared to ask the hard questions and dig deep because you know thats when you're the most satisfied. don't put up another mask this year, because the longer it stays up, the harder it is to take it off. You definitely could've had a V8.

England

I am so thankful to have a job that lets me express myself in writing. While working at the newspaper this summer, I decided that I would write a 6-part series over my trip to Europe. Here is installment number one, and you, the blogging community, get the sneek peek. Enjoy, and expect many more, very soon. PS - This picture is the London Eye

Eurotrip – England
On everyone’s bucket-list lies the box marked “Travel through Europe.” With countless thanks to my friends, family, church congregation, the Medicine Lodge community and especially my grandparents, Leslie and Carolyn Oldham, I now can cross through that very same task on my own list. Between June 12th and June 27th, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to sing and sightsee in seven different European countries. My journey began almost a year ago when my choir teacher, Gloria Morford, nominated me to be a part of the Kansas/Kansas City Ambassadors of Music Choir through the Voyageurs International, Ltd. Company. This group, comprised of over 300 students and staff members, created music by means of a choir, band and orchestra. Over the course of several weeks, I will describe my life-changing journey throughout the many countries that I recently visited. My first story will encompass my experience traveling to England, and my time in spent in London. I hope that you enjoy these stories and consider making it a priority to visit Europe and cross through “Travel through Europe,” on your very own bucket-list.
After three exhausting days of rehearsal on the WSU campus in Wichita, I traveled to Kansas City in order to begin my European adventure. I was told to check in three hours early for our flight to New Jersey where we would take a connecting flight to the London-Heathrow Airport in England. After flight delays in Kansas City and a two hour taxi in New Jersey, we finally began our flight overseas. The eight hour flight seemed to last an eternity. Maybe it seemed so long because the food was mediocre, the seats were uncomfortable, and I only slept 20 minutes, but I’ll bet it was because I was so excited to land and begin making memories. Almost immediately after landing, we boarded our respective buses and immediately headed for Windsor Castle. En route to the castle, I realized that we were driving on the left side of the road. As if jet-lag wasn’t enough, they decided to confuse us even more.
When we arrived in the town of Windsor, we split ourselves into small groups and decided to go exploring. The small town was full of clothing shops, restaurants, bars, and other stores. We stopped just short of the actual castle to have lunch and watch some street performers. The castle itself was gorgeously built out of stone on a large hill and towered over the rest of the town. Small cars and the red double-decker buses filled the narrow roads while pedestrians and cyclists took over the sidewalks. I snapped several pictures of the town and the castle, ate a strawberry tart at a pastry shop, and thoroughly enjoyed my first experience in England.
After a short bus ride, we arrived at our hotels, checked in, unpacked and had dinner. When we had finished dinner and orientation, we set off for a walking tour of London. We walked through the streets and down to the Millennium Bridge, or as the locals call it, the Wibbly Wobbly Bridge. After the walk, we went back to the hotel and slept for the first time since leaving Wichita.
Sunday morning, we sang in Wesley’s Chapel, where the Methodist Church was founded. We sang all traditional songs for the service. One thing I found interesting was the fact that after sharing some exciting news or hearing a vocal performance, the congregation was asked not to clap, rather to say “Amen,” in agreement with the words spoken. Our first concert came about that afternoon at the Embankment Gardens. The British fans were all so excited to hear us perform. Some even brought flags to wave during some of the more upbeat songs. After mingling with the locals who attended the show, we set off in groups of 20 to explore the city more. My group ventured toward the London Eye, the giant ferris wheel that holds 30 people per cab. Its massive spokes and cabs (also called orbs) were visible from many miles away. The wait for a ride was nearly two hours, so we decided just to admire it from the ground. Next, we set off for Covent Gardens, a neat square that housed restaurants, shops and vendors. I chose to eat a delicious chicken and vegetable pasty there, a hand-held version of a chicken pot pie, and watch the street performer juggle. Then, we pushed our way through the walking traffic and quickly made our way through Piccadilly Circus and to the original Hard Rock Café, where many souvenirs were purchased. We then walked down to Trafalgar Square, home of gorgeous fountains, enormous bronze lions, and a statue dedicated to Admiral Horatio Nelson, who led the British to victory over Spain and France in The Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. The day ended with a cab ride home, some snacks at the hotel, and great laughs with new friends.
My last day in London began by meeting what I believe to be a real life version of Mary Poppins. This splendid woman named Diana was our tour guide for the morning. She led our group all around London, showing us the magnificent buildings of British Parliament, Stockton Yard, Westminster Church, and the enormous clock tower, Big Ben. We then rushed to catch the Changing of the Guards ceremony in front of Buckingham Palace. Diana pushed our group to the edge of the street for a better view. When the band passed by us, we followed them at a brisk pace, cut through a small park and garden area, and came out in front of the palace to view the other guards coming in. Their precision, poise and confidence were something to be admired as the guards patrolled 24 hours every day. And, as tempted as I was to reach out and touch one of the furry black hats that the soldiers wear, I couldn’t bring myself to do it in fear of being thrown into a British jail and forced to eat cold cheese sandwiches, a regular lunch in England.
Later in the afternoon, our smaller group ate at a terrific pizza place, and then walked to Her Majesty’s Theatre to watch Phantom of the Opera. The theater was decked out with comfortable seats, red carpet and several gorgeous chandeliers. Now, I had seen the Hollywood version of the show and knew the story and could even sing a few of the songs, but seeing the show live was particularly awe inspiring. The intricacies that the cast, crew and orchestra threw into their scenes made the production. The magnificent sets portrayed scenes and made them appear real and basically dragged me into the story. That show was one I will never forget.
After the show, we snagged a London taxi which turned out to be a thrilling ride. You see, in London, taxi drivers believe that they have the right of way, not the pedestrians. Consequently, when someone tries to cross the street while they are driving through, they honk their horns profusely and holler profanities out of the window at them. Our driver was no exception. He wound his way through the town and back to the hotel in less than 15 minutes, a sure sign of his skill.
Our time in London had come to an end and it felt like my incredible voyage had just begun. The buildings were magnificent, the people, despite the taxi drivers, were quite friendly and welcoming, and the memories are unforgettable. London was truly a treat, and our next stop, Paris, held potential to be the same.

Its a Colorful Life: White Fang, Lime Green Track Suit and Brown Chunky Bird Poop.

Hello there old friend. I've missed printing small black letters on your face. We should do this more often, don't you think Blog? Today, I think we'll try for some comic releif to brighten this dreary and cloudy day. Sound good? How do we do that, you ask? Hmmm... Excellent, excellent question. Lets observe the past weeks' comical events, shall we?

So, my great friend Natalie May came to visit me for my graduation. Majorly good time was had by all. I don't realize just how much she makes me laugh until she tells me stories about manuvering around long horn cattle on the trip to my house. Well, whilst wandering through Wichita and showing her Douglass street, we pass this man in a bright lime green track suit, fully clad with gold chains, a neon orange bucket hat, and a walkman cd player. Green man then continues to basically pop lock and drop it in the face of everyone driving down the road. Huh-freaking-larious.

I went to watch my sister play in the state softball tournament in Manhattan, and had a great time even though they lost miserably. Both teams. haha. Well, after a nice trip up with Sobba and Casey, I decided to stay the night with Misty in the Long's room, where she informed me that there was a couch to sleep on. We have some fun eating at Applebees. Cliff calls me a smartass, i retort some smart comment just to drive it home, and then we head to the hotel. And, Lo and Behold, there is no couch. So Robin, Misty and I all shared a bed. Yep, its true. Robin, then Misty in the middle, then Seth on the outside. However, I might add that Misty and I placed a pillow between us to avoid awkward cuddling and to leave room for Jesus. We're brother and sister basically, so it was a non issue. Well, after waking and showering, we come back to see the TV on a priceless, classic, heartwarming, get-the-fuzzy-feeling-inside movie: White Fang. Haven't heard of it? Neither had I, nor seen it. But let me tell you, it was worth the watch. Check it out, soon please. I hope that this picture featuring Robin and Kelly Long will maybe give you an idea of my time with them.

Probably the best story of all, I decided to walk to work this morning since I hardly ever get to work in the GHP office. It was cool and breezy, the perfect day for walking. So, I packed my bag, walked and picked up a donut on the way, then went to the office. I talked to Doris, did an interview, then walked home. I sidestepped the sidewalk to avoid a sprinkler, and took the tree-covered road. My phone was in my pocket, and I desired to check the time. So I whip out my phone, see the time, and a wad of bird poop proceeds to fal directly on the screen of my brand new blackberry. I think the bird was sickly or something, cause this was no regular bird poop. It was brown/white mixed with chunks. Gross. This blackberry sadly must rest on my face for a long time to come, and every time that it does, I'll think of that bird.

Graduating

Hmmm... This has the potential to be a strange post. I guess we'll find out.

So, I went to senior breakfast yesterday at church. A lot of the seniors that go to the First Christian Church were there eating together with their families and listening to Tom Walters speak and hearing the typical "graduation, moving on with your life, make the right choices..." jargon. It would have been all good, except I've already had to face all of those things with graduating early and what not.

I guess I should have expected it to be this way, but I feel really disconnected from my class. At the breakfast, someone asked me about how my classes went, how my grades were, and just about college in general. Then someone chimed in something like this : Yeah, except he ditched us.

Now, I didn't think that was a fair statement, but you decide for yourself.
1. I didn't ditch anyone.
2. I decided to move on with my life because I couldn't really relate with anything in Med. Lodge.
3. I'm pretty sure they survived without me.
4. How many times did they come and visit me at school like they said they would? Oh, right. ZERO.
5. How many times did I come back to visit them? Over 20 times.
6. How often did they call me just to see what was up? Oh, right. ZERO.

I think that if they want to complain some more, they should probably have some legit reasons to do so.

Anywho, after that semi-steamy vent session. I'm ready for graduation. Everyone is ticked because Joyce isn't speaking and that Mrs. Dohrmann is. Personally, I think D does a great job. It might be long, but its personal and she mentions everyone in her speeches. I know you won't read this, but go out there and rock it Mrs. D.

I would also like to add that I'm pretty excited for free stuff.

That is all.

Teetering

I feel like I can't do anything right lately. I feel like I'm letting people down. Disappointed people left and right. It seems like I can't win. And I can't figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

When I came to college, I almost expected that I would be the same person when I left for the summer, but its definitely the contrary. I've made so many changes, ones that I feel like are good for me, yet some people tell me that I've changed too much.

What did they expect?
What was I supposed to do, be a sitting duck?
Who was I supposed to liken myself to?
Who was I supposed to stray from?
Where was I supposed to end up?
Where did I start?

Where should I have gone?
Should I have gone at all?

Why did I have to leave early?
Couldn't I just be content with the normal?

Why do they assume that I think that I'm better than them?

Didn't they realize I wasn't happy until now?

Why can't they see things the way I view them?
What can I do now?
Don't they know that its way too late to change things now?
Don't they see that they should have spoken up before my mind was made up?
Why didn't they try to make me stay before I told them I was leaving?

Which way do they wish I would have went?

Why didn't they do the same thing that I did if they really wished that they could do it themselves?

Why did they talk about me behind me back?
Who was I supposed to turn to?

They expected me to stay. They expected me to be content. I was supposed to liken myself to them. I was supposed to stray from people like me. I was supposed to end up in the same place that I began, and thats in Medicine Lodge, the boredom capitol of the world. I shouldn't have gone anywhere at all. I should have stay.

I had to leave early. They just didn't understand what was going on in my heart. I couldn't be content because there were very few people keeping me holding on.

They assume that I think I'm better than them because I chose to move quicker than they did. They assume that I think I'm better than them because I tried. Really, really hard.
They didn't realize that ML couldn't make me happy.

They can't see the things that I see because they aren't me. They didn't say anything to me before I decided to leave, but decided to be angry with me when I did decide.

I don't even know why they talked about me behind my back. I can't remember causing they any harm. I didn't have many people to turn to.

I feel like I'm teetering on top of a mountain getting ready for a giant fall... I guess its only a matter of time.

Blurry

Once again, just gonna let my thoughts rip. Here it goes.

My rear hurts from sitting on the floor of the Library. I'm really nervous for this Romans final. I hate that my laptop is so shiny that I can see the oil from my fingers on the keys. My legs are really tired. 3 mile run, tennis and raquetball all within 2 hours will do that to you. There was some tar on my vehicle because I drove through some construction.. it was really hard to get off of my car. And another car story, I get back from Kantorei tour, and theres an inch of water on the passenger's side floorboard... how inconvenient I thought to myself as I tried to figure out what to do. I like the sound note cards make when you flip them through your fingers. I'm ready to move out of 215. Too much drama for me.. and my momma. Genghis Grill was pure awesomeness today. Sooooo good. I love asian food in general. I hate precarious situations. I feel like I can't ever do anything right sometimes in some folk's eyes. I didn't shower yet today. Is that gross? haha. If it is, get over it. La Gallete tomorrow. Get excited. I'm also jacked to soon be working at the Liesure Time Center of ML with my Nana. Cookin food with and for old people. Nothing better. ooooh, and writing for the Premiere. I hate when my lips are dry, therefore, I think I'm addicted to Burt's Beeswax. Its like cocaine for my dry, cracking lips. That should be their logo. Some joker told me once that Chapstick puts tiny bits of fiberglass in their products so it cuts your lips open again and makes you use more. I like thats Baloney. Once in a while, I wish I could go barefoot. Its liberating. There are TONS of books in this particular room of the library that all say "Law" on them and look exactly the same, which kind of intimidates me. Also, this room makes wierd noises. Star came to the conclusion that its a ghoul or some sort. I wonder if places put signs that say "Emergency Exit: Alarm will sound." signs on doors just to keep people from going through them. I would do it even if it didn't have an alarm I would do it to keep people out of a certain room or area. Genius. I like sighing really big. Its nice. Ooooh, and I'm excited to bury our time capsule in a couple weeks, and for Natalie May and Justin to visit, and for graduation, and for Europe, and for STUCO camp, and anything else the summer throws my way. The particular way I'm sitting has made both of my feet go numb, which is a strange, strange feeling. I think its creepy when your friend's parents try to add you on facebook. (and your own parents for that matter.) I do, however, love friend requests. Oh my. I should study....

Calamity to Calm

So, heres the deal.

Theres total calamity all around me. All the time it feels like. Maybe its my current predicament. I just feel like there's always noise. Always.

Sources of noise include: The Television. Someone's music being play WAY too loud. Hard core gamers yelling profanities at a screen, which they apparently don't realize CANT HEAR THEM.

I just want some calm time. If my surroundings are so stinkin' loud that I can't hear my own thoughts, how am I supposed to listen to what God is trying to tell me.

I think thats why I run alone a lot. Thats why every chance I get, I sit alone on the lawn. Thats why every chance I get, I go places alone.

I need to make a transition from Calamity ------------> to ----------->Calm. And soon.

Time Management and Patience

Yes. I do realize that its 2:31 in the morning. No, I'm not crazy. Yes, I seem to be up for no apparent reason. So yes, I should manage my time better.

I always feel rushed,...overwhelmed with school work. And when I take time to hang out with friends, I feel like I'm using precious awake time (we all know Seth LOVES sleeping) on things that aren't productive. But, I know that really isn't true.

I know that by spending time with these people, I'm creating a community that will directly affect me for the next few years of my life. The people I hang out with are downright awesome. I love them. haha.

But, my very first semester of college is winding down. Only 3 weeks left and it flew by. Seriously, I remember being crazy-nervous my first day for move-in. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to place myself into a group that had already been established, but God proved otherwise, especially with the Houston trip.

I can't imagine myself at any other place in the WORLD right now. Friends is the perfect fit for me. I freakin' love the school, the atmosphere, the people and especially the Jesus I see here every day.

The only thing I don't like is when people come into the room basically yelling at 2:40 in the morning, which coincidentally, just occured. Great.

God, grant me patience.

Our Father...

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory forever, Amen.

Prayer.

The concept is pretty cool. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with, whatever I want to say, God can hear me and my desires. Now, I never have been a faithful prayer warrior, and thats something that I feel God calling me to work on. I feel like sometimes, the times when I'm most desperate, simple prayers calm me.

But my delimma is, I don't know exactly how to pray.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't think there is a "wrong" and "right" way to pray by any means, I just haven't figured out for myself how to best prayerfully communicate with my God.
When I'm talking with Him inaudibly, my mind wanders to things that don't matter. When I speak my prayers out loud, I mumble and bumble my words around because I'm nervous. I don't normally volunteer to pray out loud when asked. When I try to write my prayers down, I over analyze things and sound phony.

I just. Can't. Seem. To get. It. Right.

But regardless of how I pray, I know that My God hears, My God cares, My God understands, My God moves, but most of all...

My. Father. Loves. Me.

And thats enough.

Here Comes the Boom

So, in honor of the Houston trip reunion, I thought I would remind you all of just how awesome you are in your own individual ways. SUPER GROUP - plus some others. haha. Here comes the boom.

Paul - You're such an awesome role model for the men at Friends U. You know how to balance social life, your crazy-tough schedule, athletics, being an RA, and an encouraging and serious relationship with Ellen. You have been the coolest RA this year, and a great friend. I see Christ in you in so many ways. Your leadership on the crew and the way you treat Ellen exudes Christ.

Danny - I stinkin love you. Although I've only been blessed to play Ultimate with you once since we've been back, it was also a curse because I wasn't on your team. I heard all of the stories, but didn't realize how big of a monster you were until I witnessed first hand. I see Christ in the way that you love all of his creation, especially his animals. Once again, you're like the most rare animal at the Zoo, the one everyone hears of and how great and awesome it is, but never sees. You're a behind the scenes kinda guy, and I love it.

Gina - I feel like you're my sister, Gina. You passion for the homeless is evident, even though I've only been to church on the street with you once! You sat and talked, had some very awkward conversations about a man trying to blow up a school, but you took it like a champ and loved every minute of it. Its so great to see Christ in a relationship, which is what you have. I can't wait to get to know you better!

Matt - MattBusch(said in the special way that I say it with the awesome wave that we do). You've been the biggest blessing, friend. I love seeing you everyday in choir and out-and-about. You treat everyone like Jesus did, with respect and the thought that everyone matters. Keep being awesome!

Lindsey - BIG SIS! I love the snot out of you. Thanks for my meal a while back. It was DELICIOUS! You're the Queen of homemade bread. Anywho, I know that you will follow God and his plan for you concerning your trip to Spain. I love that you are so relient on him and don't need someone else to define you. I'm so glad God put you into my life, and can't wait for what he has in store for our friendship.

Tina- Hey girl, hey. You have the kindest soul. I know you're tough too, but you've embraced hugging like its going out of style. Listen - struggles happen, but God brings wonderful things and knowledge from them. I see Christ in you in your self-confidence. You love to be you, and I love that.

D-base- You're like my brother, man. I know that you're always there for me, and that you would do anything I asked you to, and pray for me whenever I need it, even if I don't ask you for it. I was so blessed by you and your prayer over me at the coffee house in Houston, but I never got the chance to tell you. I definitely think that you have the gift of prayer, and thats an awesome one to have.

Sarah - I love your attitude. You're always up for a challenge. Your kind, yet firm nature is hard to come by. I love the fact that you love your friends so much. Keep branching out and stepping out of your comfort zone, it will pay off. I see Christ in you everyday, just by the way that you talk to people. I've never heard a malicious thing come from your mouth, and thats way inspiring.

Lauren - I'm pretty sure you have the simplest and most loving heart that I have ever encountered. You brighten everyone's day by just being in the room. You're caring and thoughtful attitude exudes Christs' love.

Jessica - You have the most amazing grasp of what true beauty is. You see it in things that aren't physically attractive. You find beauty in experiences and emotions and relationships, and that is incredible. You have a kind heart and a soul full of joy, just like Christ wants for each of us.

Allison - I have never seen you without a smile on your face. You have the most genuine personality of anyone I know. Plus, we connect because we both come from extremely small schools. Who knew someone could bond over that, right? Thanks for always listening.

Rachel - You have the best listening-ears on the planet! Really, thanks so much for being there, being one of my closest friends, and enjoying my company just as much as I enjoy yours. I know that God has incredible plans for you, and I see Christ in you in this way: I think you exemplify God using the average person to do above average things. You. Straight. Up. Rock.

Amber - I love that you love life. We always have an awesome time together. And, you have the most ridiculous calling ever: Jr. High Math, of all things. You are so pacient and loving and nuturing. I can not wait to work with you and get to know you better this year! Love ya!

Parker - No puedo esperar para mis lecciones de guitarra el septimo ano. Voy a SHRED la guitarra. jaja. Y vas a ser un hispanohablante antes de lo conoces. Really though, I love your passion for Christ, and our spontaneous prayer for Lindsey the other night made me admire you and your trust in the Lord. PTL. Your dad had it down when he named you.

Wow. So much typing, haha.

Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.

Neverending Struggle

Who am I?

Its a question that everyone asks themselves during their lifetimes. Its a question that humanity can't ever seem to figure out. More questions ensue, like:

What is my calling?

Why am I a part of this world?

A friend and I were talking a while back, and suddenly he asks me
"Who are you?"

Mind you, I'm talking to my best friend of 4 years, someone who possibly knows me as well, or better, than I know myself, so this question was a shocker.

I proceeded to list off things that describe who I am: A runner, a singer, a leader, a Spanish-lover.

Now, several months later, the same question keeps coming back up in my life.

I'm struggling so much lately with trying to decipher who I am, and what defines who I am.

Carrie Mills said in her Cornerstone once that, "What you do does not define you, rather, your worth is found in Christ."

Okay, so the first part kind of makes sense. Just because I run, sing, lead and speak Spanish, doesn't mean that is who I am. But the second part, what the heck?

How am I supposed to find my worth in Christ? What does that really even mean? How do I list things that I think Christ sees in me? Is that even what she meant by that?

This really has been getting heavier on my heart lately. I have a feeling that this will be a neverending struggle for me.

Its time I search a little bit deeper, farther, longer, harder,... more fervently for Who I am and all of the questions that follow.

10 Minutes in my Mind

So, in HS, my teacher had us do this thing where we just type what we're thinking. It doesn't have to be complete sentences, just however you're thinking it. So, here's my attempt to let you into my mind.

I love coffee. This caramel mocha is actually pretty good. Some dude beside me is talking about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna,... random. Sometimes, I wonder what the world would be like without cell phones. Every once in a while, I like not having to immediately answer my phone. The world thinks that what it has to say is more important that whatever I'm doing at the moment, which isn't necessarily true. My stomach is growling because I'm thinkin about the delicious trail mix that I got in the Campus Ministries Lounge today. The Craisins are my favorite part. Its pretty ridiculous how little blinking things bug me. Like when it pops up on one of my tabs that someone has sent me a facebook message, and it blinks non-stop, its super annoying. I went to smoke Hookah last night, which was suprisingly pleasant and meade some people laugh, because I went with my boss for next year. Being an RA is gonna be pretty fun. Today at the Genesis, I saw four really nice trucks all parked backwards in the last spaces in the lot, and the first thing that ran through my head was "high school never ends." You know, we all have those kids who think their truck is the stuff and park it backwards in the back parking lot, well, the same is true for Adults at the Genesis apparently. My eyelids are so stinkin heavy right now. Guess who doesn't get enough sleep. Correct. Me. I can't wait for Cornerstone on Sunday evening. Its basically the Spiritual hilight of my week. I've been telling myself that I'm going to read my Bible more, but I find that easier said than done. Maybe I need someone to read passages with. Any takers? I miss my sister... a lot. And Katie and Zach too. I wish I was a better runner. I love to do it, but sadly I'm just not that great. haha. I wish there was a men's volleyball team, that would be pretty stinking cool, though. I'm angry with my Writing Teacher. I wrote a banging research paper, and she gave it a B. I thought, and still think, that it deserves and A. My black bracelet reminds me of Stuco Camp. Its gonna rock being a JC there this summer for a week or so. I want summer weather to be here already. School is stinkin flying by. I think there is only like 5 weeks left. Nuts. I miss HP Friends. Reunion? I miss Justin too. Long distance friendships suck. And long distance relationships. Why can't Kenz just live in Kansas? the question I've been asking for a long time. haha. Spanish is freaking cool. I wanna be fluent. I wish we had sign language classes at Friends. I would do that, too. Sad day. I should enter a belching contest. I bet I could do pretty well. I feel like dancing the night away some time soon. Holla. Concert next Friday, April 3rd. Be there, or be lame. I'm in an Ensemble, which I didn't even try out for, but its still pretty cool. I'm tired of typing. PEACE.

Raw

These next 4 posts will be journal entries from my Houston trip.

Let's start from Friday, Shall we? Ok, lets.

As I was walking into David on Friday monrning, bummed because I knew the Mexicoco groups would soon be crossing the border, Preston Carrie and Angie were walking out. Preston quickly told me that one spot for the Houston mission trip had opened up and invited me to go. After cancelling plans with Shelby, (love you) I decided to go--------> Fast forward.

Sunday night- I got back to Friends, had quesadillas with Amber and Parker, made some banging dirt pudding, and went to Mike Cliffords for Worship and fellowship for the Houston group. We sang, shared feelings and verses freely, and prayed and prepared out hearts and minds for the trip. The most moving part of that experience came at the end. Mike prayed aloud for us all, but his prayer was passionate and sincere. It wasn't just spoken, rather it was almost shouted. He was praying from his Soul. He prayed that was for at least ten minutes, yet it seemed like the shortest prayer I have ever heard. I believe I experienced prayer how God designed it to be...Raw. Heartfelt. A cry. A shout. An exultation. A praise. A longing. A fear. A call for help. It was awesome in every sense of the word. -----> fast forward.

Monday morning - We get on the bust, and I shot straight for the floor to sleep. After uncomfortable attempts to rest, I suddenly heard Patrick screaming "woah, woah, woah!!" Apparently the driver fell asleep at the wheel.

(in high speed) turn around. back at Friends. Played signs. back on new, upgraded bus with new driver. Houston in 10 hours. Good stuff. Sleep.
-----Until Tomorrow
Seth

Heartbroken

Sorry readers, the faithful few, haha. I haven't blogged for a couple-few days. Life has been crazy. WARNING: This could be a long read. I'll try to make it worth your while.

So last Thursday evening my parents called me and dropped a bomb. The Mexico Mission trip that I had been anticipating for so long, the trip that I am passionately collecting shoes for the people there, the trip I had my heart set on for months, the trip I was ready to enjoy myself on, the trip I was ready to spend some time with my favorite sister whom I miss terribly, the trip I was going to get tight with God and see all of his glory even through poverty, the trip that I was going to act as the hands, feet, and mouth of God, the trip I was going to get to practice my Spanish with the young kids during their VBS, the trip I was looking forward to catch up with friends from home, the trip I was going to be a part of something bigger than me... yeah, that trip... they didn't want me to go.

Since the drug and gang violence has been escalating in Mexico for quite some time now, my parents decided that it wasn't safe. Although I did some of my own research and found out that the problem wasn't really an issue in the area that I was headed to, I couldn't make myself go against my parents' wishes, even though many, many things were telling me to go.

Lets just say, Seth doesn't cry. Really, at all. And this night, he bawled like a baby.

I cried out to God in frustration, confusion, feelings of being overwhelmed,... so many emotions came billowing out through those tears. I was mad at my parents because they raised this issue a mere 2 weeks before the trip leaving me little to no time to make other plans. I was mad at those dang drug lords down in Mexico causing all of this stupid drama to take place. I was angry with the reporters that splattered the stories all over the news for my parents to hear. I was mad at everyone for telling me the obvious truth: that it really was dangerous. I was mad at myself for thinking that my plans could ever be set in stone when Jeremiah 29:11 obviously tells me otherwise (you would think that my tattoo would have reminded me of that, but it wasn't until after I saw it in the mirror that I thought of it.)

I was confused as to why God would let this happen when the trip was set aside to do his work. I was filled with rage against Satan, whom I felt was instilling fear and second-thoughts in the parents of Medicine Lodge about the trip. I was longing for my parents to think differently about the situation, like a couple of my other friends' parents who realized the impact that a trip like this could have. I envied my friends who were still going. I had so. many. emotions. at the same time. It was overwhelming.

There were so many things telling me to go. The funds for my trip came entirely from outside sources and from my home congregation. entirely. and they came in so quickly that I didn't even have to think about paying for any of the trip on my own. My friend Megan and I were set to collect shoes to give to the shoeless people in Mexico because something so little really would make their life better. My passion for this trip was unparalleled to the last two times I had been, and it was apparent.

After wrestling with God over the pros and cons of going...after arguing with my famliy about God's will for man and my role in the group going... and after kicking myself at the thought of missing the BEST fish tacos known to man, I decided not to go. I think now I know the true feeling of a broken heart... and lets just say... it sucks.

My role in this mission trip NOW is to pray constantly for those who are so blessed to go. To pray that they use their time wisely and make a positive impact for God and his followers. Oh, and I'm still taking shoes if you want to bring them by my room before Wednesday, that would be a giant blessing to me and the Mexican people. Thanks for letting me plug my own humanitarian effort. I sound like Bono. bahaha.

On a somewhat lighter and less bitter note, I wanna blog about what I got out of the Cornerstone last night.

Carrie was talking about what heaven would be like for each one of us, and that she believed there was a room made entirely of marble awaiting everyone in heaven. And in those marble rooms were picture frames. The frames were no ordinary frames, they were scattered about the room and hung everywhere. There was a picture of everyone you had ever made an impact on in your entire life, good or bad, hanging somewhere in the room.

And when you went and touched each individual picture, the picture would jump out of the frame and describe to you how you impacted their life.

And after she said that, I got to thinking...What will people say about me when I'm gone? Will they have more good than bad to say? Will they have any good to say? WHO all would be in my room? Who all have I impacted or made an impression on that lasts.. that sticks around.

So I guess the point of this last part is kind of just to reflect on my life. What I have done, who I have impacted, who has impacted me, and whether it was a good or bad influence I made. If you haven't ever considered that, I urge you to do just that. Its pretty crazy what God reveals to you when you do.

Well, thanks for listening to my never-ending rambling monolaug (spelling?). I'm sure it was the thrill of your life. haha. Until next time...

Cerebral Slushies

I. Hate. Playing. Videogames.

With a passion.

I think that my hatred spurred from not being able to play Donkey Kong on the N64 without getting sick to my stomach. In fact, I know thats what it is.

Another thing I despise is when all that my friends do is game. It. Makes. Me. Wanna. Strangle. Something. haha. I wake up, go to class, and when I come back, everyone is the room is playing some video game, mostly Call of Duty 4. I leave to work out, grab some coffee, do some homework, and many times when I return, they are STILL playing the same game. Every night when I got to sleep, my roomie is playing X-box live until the wee hours of the morning.

And, when someone plays X-Box LIVE, or COD for that matter, it seems to always be coupled with talking loudly through your headpeace to your partner or yelling profanities if someone kills you.

Don't get me wrong, I love the roomies. They're all cool guys, but someday, I think that their brains just might turn into Cerebral Slushies on account of all the time spent droning in front of the TV screen. Sounds delicious, right?

Heath Bars and Falafal

So, as many of you know, my favorite sister and I are fasting from meat this year for Lent. My thinking about this is that since Jesus gave up food entirely for 40 days, I think that giving up meat could possibly give me a small insight into what Jesus went through.

So while Shelby came and visited me today, we went to Bella Luna Cafe over on Maize road. We decided to try the Falafal aka a Veggie Burger. Both of us were nervous, because lets face it. Veggie burgers don't exactly have a good reputation. Its kind of like knock-off Oakleys, or some cheapie Spongebob Mp3 player (thats right sister, I just went there), it sounds like a good deal, but the glasses don't fit right, the Mp3 player only holds 15 songs, or the Veggie burger is bland in your mouth leaving you begging for water.

But, in all actuality, the veggie burger...... was...... SO GOOD! I will definitely be getting another one, except it was giant, so I think it will work for two meals, and it was less than $7. SCORE.

And yes, I realize that my title is arbitrary and misleading, however, Heath bar somewhat pertains to this blog. While at Winterjam '09, possibly THE best concert I have EVER attended, my friend Casey Long and I stuck around to actually meet Brandon Heath, my favorite artist of the evening by far.

After purchasing his blue shirt, which is amazingly comfortable, we stood in line for a good 30 minutes to get his autograph and a picture with him. Mission accomplished.

So, enjoy the pic of Brandon Heath and I, be envoius of my autographed T-shirt, and go out and try a veggie burger.

Mocha-frocha-locha-chocha-latties.

I have recently fallen in love with Meads Corner Coffee Shop.

We kind of have a love affair. Its a no-win relationship for me, though.

You see, I walk in the door, I grab a seat, unfold my laptop, then make a beeline for the coffee counter. I then proceed to order either a Frozen White Chocolate Mocha, a piping hot White Chocolate Mocha, and or a raspberry scone.

I don't even like coffee that much. I think its just the atmosphere.

When I order my coffee, the baristas are always so nice. They asked whats up and how its going, and they're just all around friendly. Then I get my coffee, go to my seat and do my homework or read my book.

I. Love. It.

But, It. Takes. All. Of. My. Spare. Money.

I can't win. haha.

You're a mean one, Mr. Bart.

Being made fun of isn't a new concept to me.

You see, when I was little, I was just a little bit different than all of the other guys. I did gymnastics. Now, I know what you're thinking. Gymnastics? Thats freakin sweet! Thats like a hidden talent! In all actuality, it was fun. I did it for 8 years, so I must have liked it.

Well while I tumbled across the floor and did crazy-cool ninja flips, all of my other guy "friends" were playing football. And, needless to say, as 3rd graders, the kid who did gymnastics was the focus of the teasing. Apparently, in a grade school mind, any boy that did gymnastics was "gay." I remember two boys especially who loved that word. Being called that was an everyday experience. And nearly every day, I cried because of it.

Fast forward. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Junior high. I think that we can all agree that this is the single most socially awkward time for anyone. During my junior high years, I really didn't have many friends. The friends I did have didn't really like me, and they made jokes about me behind my back. I wasn't a very good athlete, yet I was one of the smartest kids in the class, therefore, I was given the "nerd" title. Yet, another instance of me being made fun of.

Fast Forward. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

High School. QUOTE--The best times of our lives--UNQUOTE. haha. not so much.

My freshman year was the only year I actually enjoyed in high school. The summer before, I really started hanging out with Misty, a senior, who soon became my best friend. We had a great year together, and then she graduated and left me. sad day. My freshman year, however, I had a run-in with a teacher named Mr. Edwards. This balding, beer-bellied fellow from Washington was my creative writing teacher as well as my track coach. This man did more than tease me or poke fun. This man actually hated me. He told me so to my face. He based his hate on the fact I had friends that were Seniors in high school. He told me that freshman should be looked upon as scum and that we shouldn't have friends who were the top-dog seniors. This man even went as far as telling me to my face that he hated me. He used those exact words, even.

Sophomore and Junior year weren't much better. The only sport I did was cross country, which I wasn't any good at. I did, however, excel at Forensics. Now, in the minds of most high school students, if you were a guy who did forensics, you weren't cool. That made me, once again, the object of embarrasment among my peers. Needless to say, Sophomore and Junior year weren't happy times.

Fast Forward. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

College. Woot Woot. I love Friends U. No lie. Some people think that even if I wasn't happy here, I would still tell everyone that I was just to avoid the drama. But thats not the case. I really do love it. Today, however, was a different story.

This morning, I got up, showered, and put my clothes on. I put on my black and white Hurley shorts, a black T-shirt, and my black and white Toms. Pretty typical clothing for me. After my faith and learning class, I trotted down the two flights of stairs and headed towards my next classroom. I held my books in my arms, well, kinda like the statue of liberty holds the books, right? Like a normal student would hold their books... or so I thought.

Standing right outside of the room was one of my classmates, and for the sake of this blog, I'll use the surname Bart. Bart watched me walk down the hallway, and just as I reached him, he made a scoffing noise and said to me: Seth, why don't you carry your books down by your side. You look kinda like a girl. I was kind of taken off guard by Bart's statement, and as some sort of defensive statement, I said : I really don't care what you think, Bart.

For the next few minutes, I sat there thinking about what Bart had said. I couldn't help but feel some resentment towards him. I honestly wanted to leap out of my seat and smoke him in the face. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was just the way he said it. Like he was better than me. Like the way he carries his books is better, more appropriate than the way I carry mine. Pretty ridiculous, right?

Not twenty mintues later, Bart opens up his mouth again and says: Seth, you dress kinda funny.

Not again. The blood rushed to my head and my ears got hot. I retorted with: hey, thanks Bart. I think you dress kinda funny too. I mean, you do have a Bob Marley shirt on.

I immediately regretted saying that. Just because he was being a jerk to me, didn't mean I had to be mean to Bart. ugh. I'm just as low as he is.

Then, during some of the classroom discussion, My friend (another surname) Vickie was talking about how adults, when making decisions about schools, didn't really keep the students' needs in mind. I immediately agreed by saying : So true. A common phrase in my everyday vocabulary.

Bart looks directly at me, flips his wrist to suggest homosexuality, and and mocks me by saying : So true.

UGH.

When some people hear the word cruel, their throughts go directly to animal abuse, war crimes, genocide... But rarely when people hear the word 'cruel' do they think of teasing, bullying, being publicly humiliated... They consider the word 'cruel' to be too extreme to describe those situations. Maybe the word 'mean' would be more appropriate.

But what if we replaced those words with 'cruel'?

"Mom! Tommy won't quit being cruel to me. He's saying that his toy is better than mine!"

"I saw two of the high school guys being cruel to another one of the kids. Its such a shame."

"One of the people in the group was cruelly humiliated by one of his friends in the group."

I know for me, bullying, teasing and being publicly humiliated has ruined a lot of my trust in humanity.

Maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be brave enough to take a stand against Cruelty. I hope that day comes soon, because I definitely know how it feels.

dirty feet

This evening I went to an Ash Wednesday service at a really small church here in Wichita. Our chairs were seated in a square and about 20 people were there. The youth ran the service and did an awesome job. My friends and I all walked in an sat on the same row. Just as the service was starting, an older man and his family walked in.

He was wearing old and worn clothes, a stocking hat and had a grey beard. I'm ashamed to say that the first thing that ran through my head went something like this: life must be hard for him. is he homeless?

Then, his daughter I think went to pray and kneeled on the alter. Her feet were hanging off the edge and I caught a glimpse of them. Her feet were covered in dirt and the first thing that ran through my head went something like this: how sad.

Then I caught a glimpse of her children running around behind us and their faces were dirty and sadly, I thought : I wonder what their home life is like? Surely nothing like mine.

Does that make me a terrible person? To assume that he was homeless just because his clothes were the same as mine, just because his beard was scraggly, just because I've been taught my whole life that "people like him" are homeless? Am I any better this his daughter and her children who had smudged faces because my clothes, feet and face were clean?

When we first came in to the church, a small sheet of paper was sitting in our seat. It had a list of 5 suggestions for something to fast on for Lent. It had these.

Fast from complaining; Feast on appreciation.

Fast from unrelenting pressures; Feast on unceasing prayers.

Fast from self-concern; Feast on compassion for others.

Fast from discouragement; Feast on hope.

Fast from thoughts that weaken; Feast on promises that inspire.

My favorite word on that list is compassion.

Instead of judging them, why can't I put myself in their shoes?

Why can't I can't picture myself in a scraggly beard, torn up clothes and stocking hat? Why can't I picture myself with dirty feet? Why can't I picture myself with dirty clothes and smudges on my face?

I'm too comfortable with who I am to "put myself in their shoes." Not anymore. Becoming aware of the needs of others, which in turn makes you want to somehow help alleviate that suffering? Whats that all about? How do I help to end the suffering? If helping out people with dirty feet and scraggly clothes would make them more like me, would that even be a good thing? What if they're closer to God than I could ever imagine? What if, in all actuality, they are a better person than me? What if I'm the one that they look on with pity and compassion?

Compassion is a hard thing to grasp. A hard thing to discover for the first time. A difficult feeling to feel.

I think I have, though.

I wish more people could.