Love remembers.

Right after I finish the last page, I like to read through my journals to see where I've been for the last couple of months. My most recent journal, spanning from early August to early November, is full of whiny, hopeless entries. Throughout I reflected on the reality of change; change in social status, relationship status, career status, community status.

My first post, entitled Remarkable, comments on the drastic changes that a life can go through in such short time frames. If you're close to me, you know my life has been chalk-full of big shifts recently. 

And I think a huge one happened last weekend when I was driving for over nine hours. I was contemplating my spiritual life, accompanied only by the sound of tires rolling on open road. I thought about the habitual and reoccurring sins that I commit and why I return to them time and time again. I've taught myself to hate them, so why do I never listen to my own teaching? I've always been told, and my journal reflected this, that we are to despise our sin. One pastor that I've been sitting under recently said this phrase:

"I pray that we learn to despise ourselves."

I wrote it down immediately, and responded with

REALLY? What would the repercussions of that be?

I answered my own question with words like

Self-hate, guilt, no real change, sadness, poor self-image, hopelessness 

All words I would use to describe my life in August, September and October.

The other night I told a friend something that went like this:

The evil one is trying to make you hate yourself. He hates all of the good that he sees in you. And, in turn, you hate him. But love is stronger than hate. Love conquers, hate cowards. Love renews, hate reminds you of failures and shortcomings. Love perseveres, hate harbors bitterness and tears. 

I realized that maybe the answer to overcoming habitual sin in my life isn't despising myself. Maybe the answer is learning to love God more than I hate my sin. 

Because, after all, love is more powerful than hate, isn't it? And if I learn to love my creator more than I hate my lust or selfishness or judgmental attitudes or addictive tendencies, I can tell the spirit of lust, selfishness, judgment, and addiction, 

"Although I want to give in to you, today I choose to love and remember my God." 

Love conquers, hate cowards.

Love renews, hate reminds. 

Love perseveres, hate harbors. 

Love remembers.