Kids dicen las cosas más darndest

Mr pre-k kids are hilarious enough to be on a English as a Second Language version of "Kids say the darndest things" or "Kids dicen las cosas más darndest," as I've named it. 

In the name of cheap laughs and to help me remember, I've decided to write some of them out for you. 

Scenario 1: Its underwater animals week. I just showed the kids a pufferfish. They were amazed. I showed them how to make their faces suck in and look like a fish. They "swam" like fish all the way to the restrooms, where they are supposed to wait quietly in line until I tell them that they can enter. A cute and outspoken girl from class, Didi, smiles at me. I smile back, thinking to myself "How sweet and innocent Didi is being today." She raises her fingers to point at her cheeks and opens her mouth to speak. 

Mr. Seth! Look at my nipples! 

I flinch. Surely she didn't just say that. Inside, I'm cackling. Outwardly, I try to look composed as the other teachers walk by. 

Yes, Didi. You have very nice DIMPLES. D-D-Dimples. 

Scenario 2: Millions of kids are fighting to see the animals at pre-k zoo day. Do they run straight to the tigers to see their stripes and claws? Do they sprint to the penguins to watch them plunge into the water and plop out on their bellies? Do they race towards the rhinos to see his strange horn? No. They run straight to the most foul place in the entire enclosure: the petting zoo. We spend 30 minutes dodging goat poop, when all of the sudden, its not dodging the poop we're doing; its marveling in the act of two goats simultaneously pooping side by side. I'm not entirely sure who said it, although I have an idea. This comment rose above the rest. 

Eeeewwwww. Gross! Mr. Seth they poop so quick!

Scenario 3: The end-of-the-year fiesta is coming up. There will be beans, rice, and "divertido" galore. There's a dunk tank, carnival games, and the entirely culturally relevant Japanese  art of Karaoke. In class we encourage students to participate in everything, and maybe even prepare a song for Karaoke. One kid, Jay, we will call him, pipes up. Here's what he sings. 

You thought I would just type out what he sings? Oh no. No no no. I've got a very poorly recorded version of Jay singing his heart out. Its even sideways. That way, you can still watch him singing while you're rolling on the floor laughing. 

Like I said, ya'll: Kids dicen las cosas más darndest. 

 Peace, love, and The Cubbies, ya'll.